So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
