I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
