No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
