Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
