I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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