can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
