First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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