guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
