Please, let me fuck your mom
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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