Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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