I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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