Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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