You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
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It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
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I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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