I bet he comes in French.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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