Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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