we should wear snuggies to the strip club
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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