I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
