is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
