i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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