People in love make me want to vomit
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
