u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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