I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I am naked and annoyed.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
