I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
