Duck Duck Cougar?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
