i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
