cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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