My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
