I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
