I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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