Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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