I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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