Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
