Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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