I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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