three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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