His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
