last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
this boner is exhausting
Houston, we have a blender
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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