wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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