hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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