The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
