"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
