i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
