I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
