I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
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