apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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