My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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