I'm sorry my penis didn't work
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
