Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
