So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
