Just fell off a train. Bad.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
