Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
