she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
