Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
