Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
