I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
