I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
