when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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