I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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