How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Success! We fucked roommates!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
