Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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